My Personal Testimony

"I have felt the Lord’s hand on my life since I was a small child. Around the age of eight, I sensed His call. I told no one about that early encounter with God—I held tightly to what felt like “our secret.” Even then, I had a deep, unexplainable love and reverence for Him.

Like many, my teenage years were a struggle. My understanding of God was limited to what I had learned in Sunday school. Though I respected Him deeply, my view of Him had shifted more toward fear—believing He was waiting to punish me when I failed. Not yet understanding His grace and mercy, I began to believe that perhaps God had made a mistake in calling me, or that I had misunderstood Him altogether.

Still clinging to that childhood encounter, I carried a growing sense of unworthiness. After an incident that years later would be recognized as date rape, I wrongly assumed the blame. That became the first layer of shame I would carry for many years.

The culture of the 1970s encouraged a lifestyle of independence and self-focus. Faith was often dismissed, and those who lived it out boldly were labeled “Jesus freaks.” I wasn’t among them. Instead, I found my identity in popularity. In both high school and junior college, I was a cheerleader and homecoming queen. I believed that as long as I had the approval of others, I could succeed. It became my sense of worth. Looking back, I see how shallow that foundation was—and how costly it became. When our identity is rooted in the approval of people, it often leads to compromised values and misplaced priorities.

In October of 1978, I married, though not for the right reasons. That decision created a fragile foundation for our marriage and was unfair to both of us. Over the next ten years, we had three children. On the outside, life appeared good, but inside I was deeply unhappy. My husband worked hard to provide, and I carried expectations and needs I didn’t know how to express. Over time, distance grew between us, and I learned to hide behind a smile. I became what I call “The Great Pretender.”

And during that moment of emotional (and spiritual) darkness, the Lord came to me in a dream as I slept. Although I had always felt His presence--even remembering His words to me as a child--the path I had chosen to soothe my deep pain had caused me to drift so far away from Him that I felt farther and farther from His desire for me, but Jesus knew my frame (Ps. 103:14) and that I was a visual person, therefore, He chose a dream to show me His great love for me.

In my dream, I found myself in pitch-black darkness, behind a fence similar to those surrounding a prison. Utter darkness, accompanied by a horrible sense of fear and condemnation was to my right, pulling on my right arm with tremendous force. I screamed and tried with all my might to pull away, but simply did not have the strength on my own. The darkness was over-powering meThen, I felt the warmth of a bright light to my left (John 8:12). I turned toward the light to find the most brilliant of lights. In the center of this immense radiance stood Jesus, surrounded by a host of angels. (Heb. 1:3) He was INSIDE the prison fence stretching His right arm out toward me. (Isaiah 41:10, Ps. 138:7) I cried, "Lord, save me," and instantly, I began to move away from the darkness and the evil that had such a firm grip on me. (Isaiah 59:1) I was not able to touch His hand, but by His power alone, (Hab. 3:4) He pulled me from darkness into His glorious light. (Colossians 1:13, Is. 9:2)

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there."